Good morning everyone and welcome back to the breakroom. This has certainly been one of those weeks where I am grateful the weekend is officially upon us. Far too much tasks needing to be completed, far too many needs from employees, and technical issues have truly helped amount to a rough week. And the cherry on top was certainly everything that has happened in the office, so let me get right into what happened!
It started when Dwight found half a smoked joint in the building parking lot yesterday, and this has prompted him to go into detective mode. In case you forgot, Dwight is a volunteer sheriff in his spare time and it is pretty obvious he takes this job seriously. He has a chalk outline and orange cones set up around the “crime scene” and is even conducting interviews with everyone in the office in an attempt to track down whose it is. Just going to say that what I found odd was Dwight was so sure it was someone here in our office when there are several other companies who have offices here in the business building. Personally, I’m sure Dwight was simply excited to have an opportunity to wear his uniform and have the chance to project his authority.
So aside from someone providing a full confession, what exactly is Dwight looking for in his interviews? He has a picture of marijuana and is trying to see if any of us will admit to being able to identify it. He is also looking for various traits, including being slow moving, inattentive, dull, and constantly snacking. These are some pretty stereotypical symptoms of being high off marijuana, so I feel Dwight is getting a lot of his information from watching too many weed-themed movies. As expected, his interviews do not seem to come up with any actual evidence so he does not have any answers.
I’m sure he expected to have the support of Michael in this ordeal but on the contrary, Michael keeps calling him a narc and has a slew of stoner jokes. To be honest, I’m fairly confident that Michael has never used drugs before as all of his references seem to come from those same films Dwight was referencing. So what are the next steps? Well, Dwight reached out to corporate and has arranged for someone from a urinalysis company to come in and collect samples from everyone in the office to test for drugs. Dunder Mifflin policy is that if drugs are found on the premise, then a test is to be implemented within 24-hours. Additionally, we do promise to comply with drug testing as part of our employment when we were first hired.
While I feel such policies are very common, people might be wondering what the laws state. Now, drug and alcohol laws will traditionally go state-by-state so you would want to become familiar with those of your own state. I pulled up those for Minnesota and I do feel they are pretty clearcut in that they lay them all out. It is clear that an employer cannot ask an employee to pursue testing that goes beyond the limitations of this law so it is important to know your respective rights. First, it is possible to be asked to undergo testing at the beginning of the a job although it does require an actual offer as having been given and all other applicants must undergo the same testing. Routine exams can be requested from employees, although they must be no more than annually and does require a two week notification beforehand. Random testing is actually pretty strict in that it is predominately used for employees whose positions are safety-sensitive, or else who are professional athletes. And as for the most common instance I have seen, there is the reasonable suspicion testing. This is where an employer can request or require an employee to undergo testing because they have a very reasonable belief that they are currently under the influence. Perhaps the biggest change that Minnesota has seen has been due to the legalization of cannabis. The law was updated to protect employees from being able to be tested for cannabis, just because someone believes they use. The intention is meant to ensure it is treated more likely alcohol; it is certainly okay to use, just do not show up to work while under the influence. So for those in Minnesota who use cannabis, while it may be legal to use just be sure to not be stupid and use it while at work because Dwight be sure to catch you1. If you would like to read the law itself, review below to go to the Minnesota statutes.
Well, now that we are going to be expected to offer a sample for drug testing Michael is suddenly very anti-drug. He is quick to defend his actions earlier as it simply proved that no one else in the office was willing to step in and defend Dwight’s actions. He also tried to lead a meeting in which he was hoping we could offer stories on drugs from a list that Michael compiled. We didn’t actually get a story from this, although we thought Jim would have a truly could story when Pam called him out. He couldn’t actually get through what he was going to say, although it does seem he has gotten abnormally quiet since this morning. No offense to Michael, but his list certainly seems to have been compiled by someone who doesn’t know much about drugs. It uses terms like “crack” and “blow,” plus it mentions hookah which is not actually illegal drug.
In addition to his list, Michael’s drug statistics included “one in three people will die from drugs” and “more people will use cocaine than read a book to a child.” So what are some actual drug facts that he could have used? Well, I went to the National Center for Drug Abuse Statistics to get some hard facts that could be used. In 2018 an estimated 5.5 million people used cocaine; while this is high, I don’t think this is quite high enough to beat out parents reading to their children. As for drug-related deaths, only around 70,000 people die due to drugs each year. While this is also a lot, it is certainly not enough to amount to Michael’s claim about drug-related deaths. But I will point out that this website goes into great deal about multiple types of substance abuse and even helps offer signs of an overdose so please consider reviewing for additional information2.
Before long, the woman from the urinalysis arrives and begins to take our samples. I overheard Dwight talking with her and I was shocked that they know each other; evidently the last time Dwight had to undergo a urine exam he had green urine. Well, if you were wondering it truly is possible to have green urine but it is normally nothing to be concerned with. The biggest causes tend to be from large amounts of either artificial food dyes, or an excess amount of green, leafy foods. While the artificial dyes are typically the most common culprit and are found in foods, they can also be found in certain medications so if you recently began a new medication that could be it as well. And if those are ruled out, there are a few medical conditions which could cause your urine to be green. A urinary tract infection caused by a specific bacteria (Pseudomonas aeruginosa) can cause your urine to become green. There is also a genetic condition known as Familial Benign Hypercalcemia which can result in green urine due to large calcium deposits developing in your kidneys. And, of course, cases of hepatitis can result in colored urine as the condition causes a substance known as bilirubin to be generated and then released through the urine. So while there are a number of reasons why your urine might be a different color, please reach out to your healthcare provider rather than trying to WebMD yourself. In this instance, while the chances are not very high of a serious condition it’s certainly better to be safe than sorry3.
Well, I thought the day had reached its peak level of crazy until I caught up with Jim and Pam in the afternoon to learn the entire story. While Michael had started to get insistent on not needing to be tested, he suddenly calmed down and was willing to go with it. Around the same time, Dwight had disappeared from the office and when he came back he was no longer wearing his volunteer outfit. According to Jim, he overheard them talking about urine and how Michael “needed Dwight’s” so the belief is that Michael coerced him into giving him his sample. And the logic is Dwight felt so guilty about committing such an illegal act, that he gave up his volunteer position. To be honest, having known Michael and Dwight as long as I have I truly cannot decide if it’s just that believable, or too unbelievable.
Either way, it seems everyone is happy because Dwight finally got a formal position of authority at Dunder Mifflin. He has been made the Security Supervisor for the branch, so he gets to work alongside building security (Hank) to ensure we are all safe. I would like to say I feel much safer, but I am worried how Hank will retaliate against Michael for sticking him with Dwight.
And that was today at the office! It was a classic whodunit in which there is mystery and intrigue over the joint left in the office parking lot. Except we never actually found out whose it was, and we learned much more about urine than we ever wanted to. Now I personally have never had to provide an actual drug test before, most likely because I’ve only held positions which would follow that “reasonable suspicion” rule. Now, I’m not going to float questions on drugs because I do not want anyone admitting to anything here. But if anyone has ever heard of other odd colors your urine can be and what causes it, feel free to share in the comments!
So please refrain from using any cannabis on company property or coming to work under the influence, and we will hopefully have no need for another drug test. And until next time, I’ll be sure to see you around the breakroom!
- (n.d.). Office of the Revisor of Statutes. Minnesota Legislature. Retrieved March 7, 2024, from https://www.revisor.mn.gov/statutes/cite/181.951 ↩︎
- (n.d.). Drug Abuse Statistics. National Center for Drug Abuse Statistics. Retrieved March 7, 2024, from https://drugabusestatistics.org/ ↩︎
- Burch, K. (2023, May 12). Why is My Pee Green? Very Well Health. Retrieved March 7, 2024, from https://www.verywellhealth.com/green-pee-5272140#:~:text=Summary,benign%20hypercalcemia%2C%20or%20liver%20disease. ↩︎
